What are we “catching up” when we are building a relationship with a person whom we want to consider so much as our other half? Probably, like our smaller brothers, for something tasty. Here only tastes often do not match …
TRAP NUMBER 1: I WANT IT TO BE LIKE MOM AND DAD
How did I fall into this trap? From the position of a 10-year-old child with an idealized perception of the relationship between parents, it seemed to me the most correct. Rather, I precisely believed in it. I believed that when I grow up, I will have exactly the same as my mom and dad: my husband and I will love each other, I will command, my husband will do what I decide, we will solve everyday problems together, buy in credit is necessary things, he will go fishing on weekends, and I will arrange gatherings with friends, we will give home sets for holidays, go to rest every year on the sea and much more …
The list of things that I thought would be important and correct in my relationship could still be supplemented and added, but it turned out to be a waste of time. Having entered into an independent life, a few months later I realized that I had fallen into a trap.
The husband was not as executive as Dad, and I did not like to command. He did not like fishing, but I had no friends. We rarely went to visit relatives, and, as a rule, they already had several sets of services, so the issue with a gift was not resolved as easily as I imagined it to be. We didn’t go to rest for two years of marriage together – the born child was very small, and besides, the question of buying a car was on the agenda.
My ideal picture of relationships did not overlap with the real. Moreover, I realized that my husband also has certain and very clear expectations from me. According to his scenario, I had to iron all clothes down to the socks, as this disinfects clothes and so did his mother. I had to strictly prepare food twice a day and not repeat the same dish twice. I should not have worked at all, or my position could not be higher than his. In fact, the picture was a bit wider than I described, but this is not so important. The main thing is that this situation was unsettling, frustrating, weakened, and even more complicated. The limitations of my and his ideas about relationships needed to be expanded urgently. I constantly wondered how to do this, keeping the relationship …
Output. As they say, there will be a question – there will be an answer. I began to see different literature about roles in the family, about the uniqueness of each person. For about a year, I avidly read books, re-read articles and publications in journals, looked for interlocutors who would help broaden my family, and millimeter by millimeter was chosen from the trap of other people’s beliefs, other people’s roles, and an absolutely alien picture of the world.
And the changes began: conflicts, heart-to-heart talk, which sometimes ended with the smashing of dishes, sometimes – leaving with a slammed door, tears and persuasion. And yet we survived … My husband and I managed to create our desired scenario of relationships, developments and rules. Yes, it was not at the level of “carved in stone”, but the fact that we were able to change our understanding of the relationship, even if only for a little bit, was already bearing fruit.
TRAP NUMBER 2: “DOING NOTHING”, OR SITTING IN ANTICIPATION OF A MIRACLE
The period of restructuring the desired family relationships is over, conflicts over what the wife should be and what the husband should do have subsided. Began a happy family comfortable life. We expected that it will always be like this – now simply because we understand where, to what relationships and what goals we want to come as a family. Strange, right? After all, when each of us gets a job, he is aware that in order to get a salary, you need to work every day. And if the actions that brought success yesterday, today no longer work, they need to be urgently changed. If I choose my career growth as my goal, then I mark the steps of the stairs, which are simply necessary to go through, and act every day. But career growth or business is the same part of our life as personal relationships. Here you can put an equal sign. In private life, just like in business: if you don’t improve yourself every day, you stand still or, worse, roll back. If in business you rely on a well-designed plan and just sit there waiting for the result, checking your email, most likely, the month will not be too happy with the results.
Recently I read a joke about the law of getting what you want in any undertakings.
How to make money?
Take a chair, put a dollar under it, sit on a chair.
The task is to take this dollar.
Solution – get up from a chair and raise a dollar.
The meaning of the “exercise”: to earn money, you need to raise the fifth point from the chair!
Why, in private life and in matters of relationships, we often do not even think about the need for mutual understanding, love and respect in a family to act?
I stayed so exactly three months after the happy and comfortable life began, and it lasted exactly until the moment when our sweet gingerbread house did not begin to turn into the granite walls of the high-rise castle, to go beyond which was quite difficult. Communication was reduced to the level of “consumer services”, the vision of relationships was simplified to the understanding that everyone should be happy and well fed, and sexual relations began to be called marital debt, which had to be given once a week clearly on schedule – on Saturday.
Exit: we take a chair, put a dollar under it and … I want new impressions in the relationship – we study all the proposals for impressions on the market: dance lessons, joint walks, a weekend in nature, a romantic dinner, going to the cinema, theater, parachute jump, flying a balloon and much more. And often it will be enough just a pleasant sms-correspondence or three lines of the note left on the table. It is only important to do this.
TRAP NUMBER 3: AND ONE SOLDIER IN THE FIELD
Most often women fall into this trap. So it is arranged that we in the majority got used to live and act in a mode of a pendulum – from extreme to extreme. If you have already decided to get down to business, then to the full extent. As a rule, the relationship decides to act in the mode of 100% activity of one person. So I did not get around this fate. Having read the “right” books and having heard plenty of smart advice, and besides being guided by the principle “everything is in my hands”, I made the most important and most important conclusion for myself at that time: I myself can build, strengthen, update and improve relations in my personal life (for me it meant family relations). My actions were the most decisive, the statements were categorical. At that time, I still did not realize that I was falling into the trap of the so-called “attainer”, who was trying to capture and fix the whole world. Whack – the coin flips over and you’re trapped again.
At first, my own impulses to build happy relationships in my family were met by my husband with a simple smile of tenderness. Somewhere he agreed and carried out what I was conceiving, for example, could read a section from the book, which told how to improve life and refresh relationships. Somewhere just gave up, not even trying to delve into what I offer. Later, when only I became the initiator of almost all family events, meetings and the organization of life, it wasn’t even a matter of opinion. We began to happen, as in a joke: “Well, you’re an intelligent woman, think of something!”. Perhaps this can be pleasant, but only for the time being. After you have to stop galloping horses and enter the burning huts.
Solution: we take any question regarding each family member or just a relationship, and ask what else does anyone think about this, besides us, what other ideas are there. If someone other than us has a question that needs to be resolved, we find it in the format of a dialogue. Initially difficult, but possible. It will help to remind ourselves that the relations in which we are now are important to us (if this is true).
Are there any more traps? Yes! Practically every person reading these lines will have a couple of different unique traps. It can be shackles, to break out of which is vital, and “silk chains”, pleasant and comfortable. Here are some more different traps:
love love, and money apart;
we are self-sufficient individuals, open relationships are our strong point;
since we are together, it means that we must have the same goals, values and meanings in everything;
husband is the head of everything;
the wife is to blame;
your option …
Of course, life is dynamic, and every now and then we fall into different traps, traps and nets, set up by ourselves, left to us as an inheritance or transferred to us for temporary use. As one of the advanced ones said, not bad when you make mistakes, bad when you constantly make the same mistakes. Leave the trap selection behind you.